Toddler tantrums: what to do in the moment and after
Your toddler is face down on the supermarket floor because the banana broke, and you can feel your own temperature rising. Here is what helps in the moment, what matters afterwards, and when tantrums are worth talking to a professional about.
The short version
- Tantrums are a normal part of toddler development. They usually start around 18 months and become far less common by age 4.
- In the moment: safety first, calm yourself, use few words, stay close.
- Afterwards: comfort, name the feeling, don’t punish and don’t give in to what you refused.
- Many tantrums can be prevented: warn before transitions, offer small choices, watch for hunger and tiredness.
- Get help if tantrums are very frequent or long, if your child often hurts themselves or others, or if you are running on empty.
Why toddlers have tantrums
A tantrum is not manipulation and not proof that you are doing something wrong. Your toddler is discovering that they have a will of their own. They want to choose, to do it themselves, to decide. At the same time they cannot yet calm big feelings on their own, and they often don’t have the words for what they want. The NHS describes tantrums as frustration that comes out when toddlers want to express themselves but can’t.
Common triggers:
- a no to something they really want
- something they want to do alone but can’t manage yet
- transitions: leaving the playground, screen off, bath time
- tiredness, hunger or too much going on
- wanting attention, or feeling left out when a sibling gets it
According to the NHS, tantrums usually start around 18 months, are very common in toddlers and are far less common by age 4. The American Academy of Pediatrics describes them as most common between about 1 and 3 years. Every child is different: some barely have tantrums, others have big ones. That alone says nothing about your relationship.
In the moment: 7 steps through a tantrum
You don’t need to get all seven right. One or two already change a lot.
- Safety first
If your child is running towards the road, throwing things or hitting, step in calmly and firmly. Hold them or move them away until everyone is safe. The AAP is clear that hitting, biting and danger always get a response.
- Calm yourself before your child
Breathe out slowly, drop your shoulders, speak more quietly than usual. If you are about to explode and your child is safe, it is fine to step away for a moment and breathe. A calm adult is the most useful thing an upset toddler can get.
- Use few words
In the middle of the storm your child can’t process explanations. Short sentences work better: “You’re so angry.” “I’m here.” “I’ll wait with you.”
- Stay close and offer comfort
Some children want to be held, others need a bit of space. Stay nearby and offer rather than insist: “If you want a hug, I’m right here.” The NHS notes that some parents gently hold a child who is more upset than angry until it passes.
- Allow the feeling, hold the limit
Anger is allowed, hitting is not. “You can be angry. I won’t let you hit your brother.” Your child learns: my feelings are okay, not every action is.
- Don’t give in, but offer a way through
If the tantrum turns your no into a yes, your child learns that tantrums work. The NHS advises holding your position. A small choice you offer yourself is something different: “We’re leaving now. One more slide, or do you want to say bye to the swings?”
- Tune out the audience
In a shop, every look feels like a verdict. Many of the people watching have been there with their own kids. Right now your child needs you, not the approval of the queue.
What to say: sentences for common situations
| Situation | Something you could say |
|---|---|
| Supermarket, wants sweets | “You really want those sweets. Not today. I’ll stay with you until you feel better.” |
| Leaving the playground | “Leaving is hard when it’s this much fun. One more slide, then we go.” |
| Turning off the screen | “You wanted to keep watching. I’m turning it off now. You can be cross, I’m staying with you.” |
| Getting dressed | “Red jumper or blue jumper? You choose, I’ll help.” |
| A sibling has the toy | “You want the car now. Leo is playing with it. I’ll help you wait.” |
| Something doesn’t work, the tower falls | “So annoying when it falls. Want to try again, or shall I hold the bottom?” |
The pattern is always the same: name the feeling, state the limit clearly, offer a way through.
What usually doesn’t help
- Punishment: the German National Centre for Early Prevention notes that punishing can make tantrums worse.
- Long explanations mid tantrum: your child’s brain is in alarm mode. Explain later, when they can listen.
- Yelling back, threats, mocking: the AAP says yelling and shaming can raise stress hormones and harm children. If it happened anyway, read I yelled at my child.
- Giving in for peace and quiet: it works today and teaches that tantrums pay off tomorrow.
After the tantrum
What you can do now
Once your child is calmer, offer comfort: a hug, sitting together, a glass of water. Name what happened in one sentence: “You were so angry because we had to leave.” No lecture, no punishment. Your child should feel that your relationship survived the storm.
Try next time
Later, when things are calm, look back: When did it happen? What came right before? Was your child tired or hungry? Was it a transition? Many parents only notice after a few tantrums that it is almost always the same situations. That is where prevention starts.
Preventing tantrums day to day
- Warn before transitions: “Five more minutes.” Then: “One more minute.” Same words every day.
- Offer small choices: two options, not ten. The AAP suggests small choices to give toddlers some control.
- Plan around hunger and tiredness: pack a snack, protect nap time, keep errands short.
- Pick your battles: fewer, consistent limits mean fewer fights over small things.
- Notice the good moments: specific praise when things go well is one of the AAP’s top tips.
When to get help
Most tantrums are a normal part of growing up. Talk to your pediatrician or a parenting service if any of these apply:
- Tantrums happen several times a day for weeks, or regularly last longer than about 15 minutes. The MSD Manual notes an underlying problem is more likely then.
- Your child often hurts themselves or others.
- Your child holds their breath, turns blue or faints during tantrums. Get this checked by a doctor.
- Tantrums are getting more frequent or intense after age 5, or your child is losing skills they had.
- You are exhausted, yelling a lot, or afraid of losing control.
Where to get support:
- Your pediatrician or family doctor (in the UK also your health visitor): the first place to go if you are worried about your child’s development, behaviour or health.
- A family or parenting support service near you. In the UK, the NHS points parents to the Family Lives helpline on 0808 800 2222. In Germany, family counselling centres (Erziehungsberatungsstellen) are free and confidential, and the Elterntelefon is free and anonymous on 0800 111 0 550.
- In an emergency, or if anyone is in danger: call your local emergency number (911 in the US, 999 in the UK, 112 in the EU).
Reflory is not therapy and not a substitute for professional help.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for my toddler to have a tantrum every day?
Tantrums are very common. In a US study of almost 1,500 children aged 3 to 5, more than 80 percent had at least one tantrum in the past month, and fewer than 10 percent had them every day (Wakschlag and colleagues, 2012). Daily tantrums during a stressful stretch, like starting daycare, are not automatically a warning sign. If they happen several times a day for weeks, are very intense or last long, talk to your pediatrician.
How long does a toddler tantrum last?
Usually a few minutes, even though it feels much longer. The MSD Manual notes that many children calm down on their own within a few minutes in a safe place. If tantrums regularly last longer than 15 minutes, mention it to your pediatrician.
Should I ignore a tantrum?
Walking away and withdrawing affection rarely helps. You can respond less to the behaviour and still be present: stay calm and close, don’t argue, don’t give in. Hitting, biting and danger always need a response.
What does gentle parenting look like during a tantrum?
Gentle parenting during a tantrum means staying calm, naming the feeling and holding the limit without threats or shaming. It does not mean giving in. “You’re really upset. We’re still leaving. I’ll carry you.”
When do toddler tantrums stop?
For most children tantrums become much less frequent by age 4, as their language grows, and usually fade from around age 5. Setbacks during stressful times, like a new sibling or moving house, are normal.
This guide is not a substitute for medical, psychological or professional advice. Caspar is not a child psychologist: the content is based on the sources linked below. If you are worried about your child or yourself, talk to your pediatrician, family doctor or a qualified professional.
Sources
- NHS: Temper tantrums
- American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org): Top Tips for Surviving Tantrums
- American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org): AAP Updates Policy on Corporal Punishment, 2018
- MSD Manual Consumer Version: Temper Tantrums (German edition)
- National Institute of Mental Health: Daily or Severe Tantrums May Point to Mental Health Issues (Wakschlag et al., 2012)
- German National Centre for Early Prevention (elternsein.info): Autonomy phase, dealing with outbursts of anger (in German)